A Bright Smile

 We all know the joke about the English and their teeth, American and Brit alike.  And, we all know that the Americans are famed for shiny hair, white straight teeth and glowing skin.  One would think that we would all have the same idea of what is beautiful.  But, that is clearly not the case.  Read any British author and he or she will describe the most beautiful character as being fair of face, clear skin, bright eyes.

Um, hello, we Americans just call that plain.  Even our word for plain, “homely” is actually a compliment in the UK.  Apparently it means comforting and homey – I think it is no accident that plainness is actually a good thing.    You know, wearing any makeup or jewelry that is anything but understated is considered “flash.” I have even been called “glamorous” on multiple occasions, and, those of y’all who know me (or have seen a certain Halloween photo of me decked out as what can only be described as a booze fairy, sagging wings, cigarette hanging out my mouth, eyes half-closed, head lolling and long neck beer in hand), can attest to the fact that glam I ain’t! And, BTW, whichever of my dear friends (and you know who you are) does still have that photo, I hope it isn’t still on your fridge as a caution to overindulgence.)  But, I digress.

So, yes, folks the rumor is true.  British teeth are appalling.  And, much as I have to justify the American lack of travel as a direct result of lack of vacation days (I mean, c’mon, where can you REALLY go in a week that requires a passport?  Well, OK, now that you need a passport for Canada, Mexico and the Carib, now everywhere, but, to be fair, that is a very new requirement)  Note to self: get a new argument), so anyway, in that same vein, British teeth are that bad  a direct result of lack of dental insurance.  It doesn’t come with the job.  And, as for the argument that there are free dentists on the national healthcare?  Well, let’s just say it would be easier to find an ACLU membership card at a Tea Party rally.  Ain’t gonna happen.

And, the thing of it is, no one cares.  I actually mentioned to a guy in response to a question as to whether a certain acquaintance of mine was attractive that he would be if it weren’t for his teeth.  And, my friend, replied, so? 

And, then I started taking a closer look at the people considered attractive  (and, let’s just clarify right now that we’re not talking Essex/Jordan wanna-be/chavvy girls—for those of you confused, imagine if the Jersey Shore chicks were considered “glam”.)

Wait.  They said I was glam. 

Shit. Maybe that coca-cola can red hair wasn’t such a good call.

(To be fair, I DID ask to be a red-head.  Who knew that was called ginger here??  OK, so maybe after 5 years, I should have, but whatever, I still use pants inappropriately all the time.)

 The WORD, people, the WORD.  I don’t actually misuse underwear.

In any event, I soon came to the conclusion that appearances just don’t matter here.  And, while I was busy looking down my nose at those who were merely “fair” and sanctimoniously loving my shiny hair and good teeth, I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t such a bad thing,  After all, I had left Dallas, a city famed for its boob jobs, fake tans, anorexic bleached blondes for a reason.  Because, while I have clear skin and bright eyes, a size two Kardashian/Britney Ms. Dallas I ain’t.  

So, I am now thinking I have done quite well, I have moved to a place where I am right up there on the attractive scale, right?

Wrong.   Because sarcasm and humor and cleverness are held in high regard here.  Note that I said cleverness, and not smartness, which is not just because smartness refers to how you are attired and not your intelligence, but because it is isn’t enough to be intelligent.  You must be able to engage in banter, silly repartee, dry humor, deadpan timing.   And, nothing is more indicative of that then the fact most people still get their news here from the radio and the newspapers  --  where it doesn’t matter what you look like so long as you are articulate or well written. 

I, myself, listen to Radio 4 in the morning – a show of outspoken, acerbic, challenging and “clever” broadcasters who discuss only the most important subjects of politics, international issues and culture.  Yes, folks, I feel quite superior when I tell people I listen to Radio 4.  Pretty much how I would feel telling people back in Dallas that I was Homecoming Queen.  (Except of course that I wasn’t.  But, you know, whatever.)

I find an even better example than Radio 4 is listening to a session of parliament, where the members verbally joust, openly challenging, cat-calling, boo-ing, the likes of which you would never hear in Congress.  I think there is more crowd interaction there than at a Jets/Giants game.  (And, trust me, I have seen those people.  It ain’t pretty.  Let’s just say, even I learned some new obscenities and I grew up on an Army base.) 

The presenters on Radio 4 do the same thing – openly, almost hostilely challenging the speakers.  I actually heard a 20 minute diatribe last week against the police for publishing crime statistics.  Yes, clearly, I can see why it is a bad idea to let people know about crime.  WHAT? 

Seriously, you could be Mother Teresa on that show and they would say, in a very posh accusatory tone, “Isn’t it true, that YOU help the poor?  That, YOU, YOU, who claims to be a woman of God, have made us all look selfish and indulgent by YOUR behavior?  What have you got to say about, that, hmm?"  And, they get away with it.  And, why is that? 

Because they seem clever.    

So, in hindsight, maybe appearances do matter.  Not so much a bright smile, as a bright smile. 

Either way, I am brushing my teeth and reading the paper from now on.