Christmas Presence

This was always going to be a hard Christmas, so I decided to give a different kind of presents.  Here is what I read aloud to my family this morning:

When we were all last together and here in Sugar Land, we were dealing with the shock and devastation of losing mom.  I said at the time that I didn’t want to celebrate Christmas; that it would have no meaning without her and it would be too hard to pretend to feel joy and to participate in all our traditions that she created.  Wisely, Dot rejected that idea outright and so here we are, tree decorated, presents unwrapped, feast preparations waiting to be assembled into the meal that she lovingly made every year for us and for dad’s birthday.

There have been a lot of tears, and even more whisky, but plenty of laughs and giggles, too.  Dot was right.  We need to acknowledge and celebrate those around us even while we mourn for mom.  Dad and I have commented several times that mom’s way of showing us love was in giving of gifts – she loved nothing more than to find that perfect present for each of us.  Whether it was a shearling coat for Adriane her sophomore year of college, her diamond pendant for me on my 22^nd birthday to replace the one that had been stolen, all the purple pink and sparkly you could find for Dot or the fancy camera that still entertains (read: confounds) Dad that Christmas in London. 

But, her best present to us was one that we too rarely acknowledged. And, that was her time.  The time she spent making all of these wonderful Christmas decorations on and under the tree and around the house; the time she invested teaching me how to cook and helping Adriane and I both with culinary challenges (read: disasters!), the time she spent listening to us all, and worrying long after the conversations ended, about our woes and struggles. The hours she invested meticulously “doing the money” as she called it, so that she and dad could afford the Hawaiis, Balis, Stockholms and Londons we all enjoyed together.

And, if I could have anything this Christmas, it would be a little more time with her.

So, my present to each of you this year is TIME.  My time – doing something with and for you.  I can’t buy you anything you don’t already have the ability to purchase yourself, so I wanted to give you something only I can give.  So, you can each open your gifts now.

You will see that you each have a small silver desk clock.  And you each have a unique engraving that reflects my gift of time to you.  A gift that I will be giving you each week in the coming year – it starts today.  And every week, I will be doing something for and with you that will keep you close to my heart and in my thoughts.

To Grandma -- John Donne wrote that “letters mingle souls; for, thus friends absent speak.”  You and I have always had a letter writing tradition and we have gotten so much closer in the last few months that I look forward to sharing news with you and hearing all about your new life in the Sugar Land.  Neither of us likes to talk on the phone and we both love getting letters in the mail, so my gift to you this year is to write you a letter every week.  You don’t have to write me back except when you have time and feel like it, but you will hear about my life every week, no matter how mundane or boring it may be. 

I want us to build on the closeness that we have so late discovered and I think Donne described it perfectly, for, thus absent friends speak. It may be short, it may even be a post card, but I promise that with those few words, you will be a part of my life every week and, hopefully,  I yours.

 To Bobby – Bernard Hinault, five time winner of the Tour de France, said, “As long as I breathe, I attack;” this quote so reminds me of your passion for life and your relentless commitment to the things that matter to you.  Your singular focus and enthusiasm will be a part of my gift to you and Adriane.

To Adriane – You are probably wondering if I am trying to tell you something with the engraving on your clock – "Exercise, you don’t have time not to." :)  Fear not….

I know you worry about my health and fitness, particularly after mom’s health issues.  It’s true, I have gained a lot of weight and I have stopped doing anything that remotely resembles exercise.  I no longer run, I quit my gym and I take the bus when I could easily walk. And, I feel old, my knees hurt, my feet ache, I struggle to catch my breath.  I am headed down the wrong road.

You have always been the inspiration behind any exercise I have ever undertaken.  As teenagers, you were always sporty, while I lived in fear of gym class and anything that would cause a sweat.  But, as I grew older I started to realize that physical activity was rewarding and when I saw you cycle, swim, run, hike and play tennis, I was motivated to join in – probably a little of that old competitive spirit helped too!

So my gift to both of you is to train for a bike ride with you.  Anywhere in the world, any distance, anytime – BUT, I need your help, Bobby, in coming up with a training plan and both of you to stay focused with me week in and week out while I struggle to get in shape and to train.  One of my most proud moments was finishing that 10K with you, Adriane, in London and I want that shared feeling with both of you.  I can think of nothing that would give me more satisfaction than to work hard at this for you and with you and then do it together. (not to mention how good a cold beer will taste after!) 

 

And, finally, to Dad.  A classic Churchill  quote, meaningful without even knowing the quote, as we started our healing over  WWII classics and whisky, experienced his war rooms in London with mom and quoted him on mom’s death announcements.  But, the words mean something, too.  "Russia is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma."  And it always has been for us.

From the Cold War when we couldn’t go, to the time you and mom and I tried to go in 2003, only to be foiled at the last minute by visa challenges, we have always talked of going to Moscow and St. Petersburg.  But, there were always other places that were higher on mom’s list and we all thought it would be too much of an ordeal language-wise.  My trip to Kiev proved that as I had an amazing time, thanks to my two Russian speaking friends.  But, the Chernobyl museum, the catacombs and the Soviet statues and museums, not to mention the menus (take note: that isn’t butter you are slathering on your bread, it is lard!) would have been insurmountable without a translator.  So, we never made the journey to Mother Russia.

But, now the time has come.  We have all talked about it – maybe a cruise along the Volga waterways, maybe another June 22^nd invasion in honor of Bobby’s birthday (with more success than Napoleon and Hitler, of course!).  Maybe a trip to Kiev.  Regardless, we will need some language skills, so my gift to you is that I am starting Russian classes in January.  I have always loved languages and mom taught Adriane and I both to speak several from birth so we have had the ability to adopt accents well.  I am looking forward to learning a new one and being able to help us navigate and translate on our big adventure.

Now, when I first devised these Christmas gifts, I didn’t know that Adriane was also taking Russian.  And, at first, I was a little deflated – I wanted this to be my gift to you and I felt like it had a lot less meaning and impact if I wasn’t solely doing this.  But, I think this is even better because now Adriane and I can practice with each other, you will have two translators, and once again, that sibling competitive spirit will kick in and propel us forward.  Next month, Russian for Beginners; next year, Dostoyevsky in the original!! :)

Game on, McFetridge, game on!

So, I hope you will each enjoy your presents from me, that will see that clock on your desk and you will be reminded how precious time is. If we have gotten nothing out of mom’s death, I think it is that.

And, that is why I am giving it to you this year, of all years – I want the hours of my life to matter to you – to keep you present in my daily life, to build the foundation for and to create future memories, to constantly show you how much I love you and to help me be the sister, daughter and granddaughter you deserve.