Do Nothing

I wrote the below Facebook post a month ago about how to stay mentally and physically healthy during this time of social isolation -- it was a few days in and I was sure I knew how to manage what would surely be a temporary situation. A "situation" in what is so clearly a war for our survival - a war with no tangible enemy, no identifiable front, no way to make a difference to the outcome. As an Army brat, my entire childhood trained me for war. But, a war where I had to be strong, to contribute, to serve. To DO. I am good at DOING. But, now I am called to do nothing. As someone with no medical training, who doesn't perform an "essential service," all I can do is stay home. I help this fight by staying in my comfortable, newly-redecorated flat, snuggling with my two cats, working in my office/dining room while overlooking my garden, going for daily runs, socialising and exercising on video, enjoying the extra cash from not going out. 

Things that make me feel safe, but suffocated.  Grateful and guilty. Desperately sad and selfish for feeling it. The UK announced today another 3 weeks of "lock-down" as we call it, shelter in place as my American friends call it. Or, was it yesterday? The days bleed into one another. We are all suffering - if it's parenting and working, managing a challenging relationship in close proximity, trying to teach and entertain confused, scared and bored kids, struggling with mental/physical health issues or just staring down the barrel of another day of solo isolation, this is not what we intended or need.

I've just done a google search to try to find out what "normal" is for what an extrovert/optimist feels in this bizarre world and, funnily enough, nothing popped.  So, I thought I'd throw this out there to see if others felt the same.

I have a lot of good days.  Days where I run or cook. Where I feel connected to my friends and family or my boyfriend, all of whom are, or feel like they are, far away. But, on these days, I know this is temporary and I have great opportunities to run more, cook more, connect more.  I am grateful.

But, at least once a week, I find myself "spiraling" as my dear friend Mindy Klement coined the phrase for me.  One small thing sets me off and suddenly I can't stop crying for hours and I feel like the world is closing in on me and crashing down.  I don't know how to make it better.  And, when this happens, I have to have a life line. I can't do it on my own. 

Thankfully, I have great people in my life who have been there for me when this happens. But, equally, they are having their bad days along with their good days. So, I have to be sparing in my need. I have to remind myself to be understanding of their struggle, because that is who I want to be to my loved ones.

And, I am still sticking to what I wrote in that facebook post and the yoga, running, moderation and connection points are, particularly, helpful.  However, I have learned that, as a control-freak, I have to be mindful to not over-orchestrate this - to not launch into a frenzy of course-subscribing or app-downloading mania in a bid to stay productive and turn this into a positive.  (or exhaust my boyfriend who refuses to down load anymore apps or learn anymore new hobbies!)

I slipped into a practice of punctuating my days with coffee and wine. And, while I am OK with my hazelnut coffee addiction, 2 glasses of wine quickly turned into 3, which turned into a bottle even more quickly. I've now stopped that and while I am not sure if it is making a difference to my mood, how I sleep or how fast or far I can run, I know that I no longer enjoyed and appreciated that glass of wine. And, with so few joys in my day, I can't afford to turn one away, so I will parse out that experience to enable that moment of appreciation.

I don't know that I have learned much else in these weeks. I certainly don't know what "normal" looks like in a world that is anything but. But, normal for me is to always tell my truth, to wrap my arms around the soft underbelly of my fear, while still preserving the fragility and vulnerability that makes me rounder and whole. So, I write this. And I do this like I have done everything hard in my life - breath by breath, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I will do nothing. And, it will be the hardest thing I've never done. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As an extrovert and naturally optimistic person, I have really been struggling with everything I am seeing/hearing/reading and the need to be more isolated in work and social context.  So I decided to make a list of things to help me stay mentally and physically healthy -- maybe it will help someone else so I am posting it here:

1. Start each day with a run or yoga for the endorphins and joy of movement.  (I like Yoga with Adrienne on YouTube)

2. Limit your news to only 10 minutes in the morning; turn off alerts.  Balance the catastrophising with satire. (I love the Daily Show with Trevor Noah for just that!)

3. Eat one green vegetable at least per day.  Take vitamin C or another multivitamin.

4. Turn you conference calls into video calls.  Skype or Facetime with someone you love at least once per day.

5.Take a walk by yourself to get fresh air -even if it rainy and cold, it will remind you of the immutability, beauty and perseverance of nature.

6. Use your extra free time to do things you’ve put off – learn German on DuoLingo, bake/cook and freeze new recipes, learn to sew, sign up to an online course (try EDX), clean out your closet etc.

7. Only listen to and watch upbeat music, TV and films – especially things that give you hope.  (I am working through the West Wing again and have all the Pitch Perfect series lined up.)

8. Moderate or eliminate social media and texting – it is a false sense of community and will leave you feeling more isolated and disconnected.

9. Limit alcohol to 2 glasses of wine and only with friends/in small groups.  Abstain on your own.

10. Meditate daily. (I use Headspace and am hooked)

11. Write in your journal.

Remember, this is not forever.  Our grandparents made it through World Wars, we've lived through the Cold War and the Y2K bug, 911 and political nastiness of today.  The human spirit is strong, our shared humanity is what strengthens us and seeks out joy and love.  We will endure and we will be stronger for it.