Oh How Great it is to be Single

Being single in London has been a whole new experience.  I’ve been single (i.e. never married) for a long damn time and in a lot of places – New York, Austin, Dallas, Melbourne, Barcelona.  But, none are like London.  When I first got here, I read that book, “Watching the English” – everyone does, it’s sort of a welcome to England guide.  Teaches you how to talk about the weather, love getting in lines (Or queues as they are called here), appreciate action-less sports (i.e. cricket, curling,) etc.  And, as excited as I was to find my sexily accented Colin Firth-like future boyfriend, I was so eagerly anticipating the dating chapter that I skipped right to it.  And, then I thought I’d missed it, so I flipped back a couple of pages.  Nope.  It was right there – basically, summed up in one whole sentence. 

English men get drunk and fall on the nearest girl.

Hmm.  Now, for this Texas girl who is used to the dating rules in Texas, this was confusing and not that enticing.  Because, it takes years to master the Texas Dating Rules and I just assumed those would hold me in good stead world-wide.  Yeah, not so much.  And, my English friends are all shocked to hear how it works for us:

1. Girl meets boy.  Boy asks girl out for date.

2. Date 1: always on a Wednesday or a Thursday (he hasn’t become weekend-worthy at this point and you certainly don’t want to waste a night when you could be out meeting someone else!)  This date is his chance to impress you, so it will inevitably be a fancy restaurant.  This was always a problem for me, because I can’t overlook bad table manners, so there were always a few casualties from this night. And, don't even ask.  Of course, he pays.

3. If you made it past Date 1, then there was Date 2.  This was the girl’s chance to show that she was not high maintenance. (this is, obviously, a lie.  We ARE talking about Texas girls here)  The way we perpetrate this fiction is by going to a cheap and cheerful Mexican or BBQ restaurant where we show we are down to earth and easygoing because we can eat with our hands.  (Natch, our beautifully manicured hands, but, hands, nonetheless.)

4. Now, if you make it to Date 3, which can be quite tricky for a guy, because there are any number of things that will elimi-date you, (for me, it was not opening my car door, wearing an 80’s style crocheted belt, suggesting that Date 2 was getting Chinese take-out and hanging at my house (please, I am not stupid.  This is clearly a ploy to fast forward to Date 3, also known as the Make-Out date), sporting any kind of jewelry other than a watch, bad table manners (as mentioned before) not discreetly paying the check while I considerately escaped to the ladies room so as to avoid that awkward “I’m going to pretend that I don’t see your shocked face when you see how much my grey goose cosmos and lobster tail/filet mignon surf n’turf cost on the bill” moment etc.  You get the point.  It is a veritable mine field for those poor guys.  But, when you’re dating 5 different guys, you can afford to be picky.), but I digress.  So, anyway, if you make it to Date 3, the gloves come off.  Well, sort of.  This is the Make-out Date, after all.

5. This cycle continues until you decide to have “The Talk.”  You know, the one where you decide that you aren’t going to see anyone else?  Now, smart girls know that this should happen before any sex.  Otherwise, there might not even be any talk.  Because the downside of all these dating rules is that the whole point – the whole structure and reason behind this dance -- is to make the man work for it.  To make him think that after all this effort and navigating all the elimi-date obstacles, lies the promised land.  And, any poor girl who doesn’t make him work for it, is clearly not a “Take her home to momma girl.”  Now, before you think that this is a bit harsh, remember that you are both dating 5 people at once.  So, it might be a bit fair to assume that if you’re shagging one, you’re shagging all.  And, again, not so unfair to assume that isn’t exactly what you want in a wife.  (Because, remember all dating in Texas is designed to lead to that strapless white dress, Pachelbel’s Canon in D, First Corinthians 13 extravaganza)

So, you can see that this Texas dating is carefully orchestrated, complicated affair.

Imagine my surprise when I learned that dating in England consists of women getting plastered and letting the nearest equally plastered guy fall on them. 

I won’t lie.  I can see some fun in that. 

And, when my English friends took me to the Swan (also known amongst my Texas girls as the Kissing Bar) in Stockwell, I loved it.   Who doesn’t love a bar where everyone is happy and hammered, where they play songs like “9 to 5” and “Sweet Home Alabama” in between all the latest hits, where drinks are 3-4 quid each and shots are had a plenty, where you can wear a sparkly feathered cowboy hat with a blinking shamrock on the front and where everyone who is there is just looking to make-out on the dance floor.

Now, the down side of all this, is, of course, that none of these people are people you would ever want to actually date.  Or, even see in the cold sober light of day.  (I kid you not, I actually found myself dancing once with a guy once who had braces.  Now, he claimed to be a dentist.  Call me crazy, but I’m gonna go with, um. no.) 

But, if you’re not looking for the strapless white dress, Pachelbel’s Canon in D, First Corinthians 13 extravaganza, then who really cares? 

But, sadly, I have now moved to the other side of town and the Swan is a bit far.  Not to mention that those 6 am finishes (ah, yes, another benefit of the Swan is that it is open til 5 am!  Wait. Benefit? Hmmm, maybe not so much.) mean you are a wreck the next (Wait? Oh. Make that THAT) day.  And, now that I have given up smoking and am trying to eat well and run more, this sadly, does not hold the same allure.

So, now that I no longer have the Swan as my “dating” strategy, I realized that I needed a new one.  It sure didn’t entail meeting someone at work.  Because, in case you weren’t aware, I am a lawyer.  In an IT company.  So, pretty much the people I meet?  Can you say Geeks R Us?  So, yeah, not so much with the work dating.  And, while friends (mostly married and smug) relentlessly tell you how on-line dating is such a great idea, I just couldn’t get my head around it.  (And, by the way, married smug people, you are all full of it, you would so NOT be on-line if you were single.  It is like saying, “Oh if I were obese, I would go on a diet.”  Because, if you were obsese?  You’d have your head in a gallon Ben n’ Jerry’s, too.  Don’t be sanctimonious.  It makes us not like you.)

But, anyway, the on-line thing.  Yeah, see, I am a big believer in fate, destiny, serendipity etc.  And, shopping for a boyfriend on-line feels very contrived and false. But, then I realized I don’t actually want a boyfriend.  (I mean c’mon, if I did, would I really be at the Swan?? Have I mentioned that I’m not stupid?) 

I have a pretty great life – I love my flat and my friends, I live in an amazing city:  I can jet off to Dublin or Paris one weekend, go see a new play or exhibit the next, go for a run in the park or go to a great new restaurant or cocktail bar the next.  I make enough money to buy what I like and travel where I want and I enjoy my job most of the time.  So, really, there isn’t much missing.  And, I’m not interested in settling for anything less than phenomenal.  I don’t need a man to entertain me, to make me feel beautiful or to give me a sense of self-worth. 

BUT.  There is definitely one thing you do need a man for.  And, that my friends, is why I decided that maybe the on-line thing would be worth trying out.   (Again.  Refer back to the last blog to see why the last foray failed.  Although, to be fair, I only gave it 7 hours before I threw in the towel on that one!)

So, last week, I decided to put up a profile.  And, before I had even finished, I had about 50 men looking at it, winking and emailing and blah blah blah.  Sounds good, right?  Except.  Here are a couple of their on-line nome de plumes – “taxicabman56,” “chunkymonkey,”  “Smallman,” “AreUthe14Me?” etc.  Can you say LOSER?  Yes, my friends, on-line dating is like being at the Swan.  Only sober.    (refer to the previous paragraph if you are confused at all about why that ain’t great.)

It’s only been 4 days, so I will give it a few more, but I am not optimistic here.  Even if I am not looking for anything serious, I still don’t want a short, fat, desperate, taxi driver. 

Or, someone in Egypt, China, Syria, over 50 or unemployed.  Although, I guess you gotta give ‘em points for trying and punching above their weight.     And, I’ve certainly come to the conclusion that there are a lot of lonely and unattractive people out there.

Which, come to think of it, makes me like my life even more.   So, maybe I’ll go for a run before I meet my friends later today for a museum visit and dinner. 

And, you never know, a trip to the Swan might not be such a bad idea after all.